How to Survive the First 5 Months of Your Life

Well, hello there, earth newbs. Want to know how to make it through the first 5 months of your life?

If so, then I’ve got some important information you need to hear. Now, first things first; see this mouth? Listen to it!

I’ve learned a few things about those giant babies hovering around us like we depend on them or something. Little do they know, I’ve been pretty sneaky in my 5 months sans womb.

I mean, reaaalllly sneaky….

I’ve been pretending not to understand things, but I get it all….up to 5 months, that is. So, if you learn nothing else from me today, just remember one thing.

Most of you will mainly have two giant babies around you, one calls themselves “Mommy” and the other “Daddy”. Now look at my mouth……..your MUST remember these two.

Your mommy will probably hold you to the middle of her giant baby body in front of these two dark and odd-shaped pacifiers; just latch on and drink until your stomach feels better. Now, your daddy, he doesn’t do this….I know, confusing, right? Instead, he will usually hold you higher and only have one clear pacifier that is more uniform in shape. Just do the same, latch and drink. See, kinda like this….

And DON’T, I mean DON’T latch on like this…

Mommy just screams and daddy gets frustrated. Hmmm, or wait….unless you want to make them mad.

Yeah, in that case do that, but not very often, just enough to keep them confused and at your mercy. You see, what they are giving you is what keeps your tummy full and gives you more energy to cry. But it also makes you mess up your diaper.

But don’t worry, mommy and daddy will take it off and give you a nice and clean diaper. This will make you very happy!

Speaking of diapers, mommy and daddy call mine cloth and they’re always putting them in some basket and when it’s full. Once the basket is full, they put them in some loud machine and after a few hours, I see the same ones again! When I can, I always wait until right after they put a full basket in the machine to make a poop. Hmmmm, I wonder if they like that or not.

Oh well, just remember, latch on, drink, dirty your diaper, then cry so they know to change you. Trust me, you want them to change you! These little tips will help you grow and stay clean. Another important piece of advice is getting some sleep. Yep, when you are like this…

Only your eyes will be fully shut and you could be in a number of other positions. Plus, I’m not wrapped like a burrito but you most likely will be. The sooner you accept having your arms strapped down, the better off you’ll be. I accepted, for a while, and l usually slept well. Here’ me pretending to be happy when I had no control of my arms or legs.

And once you wake up, if your mommy and/or daddy are there, flash them a smile. It’ll get you places and they seem to like this.

Eat, sleep, poop, and pee; that’s basically what you do these first few months. I’m still figuring out the rest and will keep you updated as I go. Oh yeah, you might start what the big babies call “teething” which really hurts and makes you slobber more than you already do.

I find it helps to chew on my hands……like all the time. Just try it, it feels soooo good.

If you eat and sleep well, then you might be able to roll over on your own after a few months. You can find my thoughts about rolling over in another post.

So, follow my simple advice and you’re sure to survive your first five months of existence. Make sure to throw your parents a few curveballs by acting excited about something, and then like you could care less.