Tag Archives: avery post

How to Survive the First 5 Months of Your Life

Well, hello there, earth newbs. Want to know how to make it through the first 5 months of your life?

DSC_0802

If so, then I’ve got some important information you need to hear. Now, first things first; see this mouth? Listen to it!

DSC_0805

I’ve learned a few things about those giant babies hovering around us like we depend on them or something. Little do they know, I’ve been pretty sneaky in my 5 months sans womb.

DSC_0790

I mean, reaaalllly sneaky….

DSC_0792

I’ve been pretending not to understand things, but I get it all….up to 5 months, that is. So, if you learn nothing else from me today, just remember one thing.

DSC_0793

Most of you will mainly have two giant babies around you, one calls themselves “Mommy” and the other “Daddy”. Now look at my mouth……..your MUST remember these two.

DSC_0796

Your mommy will probably hold you to the middle of her giant baby body in front of these two dark and odd-shaped pacifiers; just latch on and drink until your stomach feels better. Now, your daddy, he doesn’t do this….I know, confusing, right? Instead, he will usually hold you higher and only have one clear pacifier that is more uniform in shape. Just do the same, latch and drink. See, kinda like this….

DSC_0801

And DON’T, I mean DON’T latch on like this…

DSC_0794

Mommy just screams and daddy gets frustrated. Hmmm, or wait….unless you want to make them mad.

DSC_0795

Yeah, in that case do that, but not very often, just enough to keep them confused and at your mercy. You see, what they are giving you is what keeps your tummy full and gives you more energy to cry. But it also makes you mess up your diaper.

DSC_0788

But don’t worry, mommy and daddy will take it off and give you a nice and clean diaper. This will make you very happy!

DSC_0786

Speaking of diapers, mommy and daddy call mine cloth and they’re always putting them in some basket and when it’s full. Once the basket is full, they put them in some loud machine and after a few hours, I see the same ones again! When I can, I always wait until right after they put a full basket in the machine to make a poop. Hmmmm, I wonder if they like that or not.

DSC_0803

Oh well, just remember, latch on, drink, dirty your diaper, then cry so they know to change you. Trust me, you want them to change you! These little tips will help you grow and stay clean. Another important piece of advice is getting some sleep. Yep, when you are like this…

DSC_0815

Only your eyes will be fully shut and you could be in a number of other positions. Plus, I’m not wrapped like a burrito but you most likely will be. The sooner you accept having your arms strapped down, the better off you’ll be. I accepted, for a while, and l usually slept well. Here’ me pretending to be happy when I had no control of my arms or legs.

DSC_0141

And once you wake up, if your mommy and/or daddy are there, flash them a smile. It’ll get you places and they seem to like this.

DSC_0818

Eat, sleep, poop, and pee; that’s basically what you do these first few months. I’m still figuring out the rest and will keep you updated as I go. Oh yeah, you might start what the big babies call “teething” which really hurts and makes you slobber more than you already do.

DSC_0820

I find it helps to chew on my hands……like all the time. Just try it, it feels soooo good.

DSC_0824

If you eat and sleep well, then you might be able to roll over on your own after a few months. You can find my thoughts about rolling over in another post.

DSC_0816

So, follow my simple advice and you’re sure to survive your first five months of existence. Make sure to throw your parents a few curveballs by acting excited about something, and then like you could care less.

DSC_0829

Also, you get extra bonus points for being nice to other giant babies called “Grandma” or “Grandpa”.

DSC_0849

Speaking of, I’m at my “G-ma’s” right now, so I’m going to go play now. Or maybe eat my hands and act uninterested…

DSC_0853

Explaining Exercise to a Baby

Me: Hey Avery, want to hang out with Dad in the garage while he exercises?

Avery: You’ve got to be kidding me. It’s cold in there and you make loud noises as if you’re actually doing something.

explaining exercise to a baby

Me: Well, you have your Zippy on which keeps you pretty warm, and I can put your kitty beanie on your head. And hey, I make those noise because I really am doing something! It’s called exercise.

Avery: Oh, exercise huh? So, why do you exercise? It doesn’t sound like you’re having fun in there.

explaining exercise to a baby

Me: Exercise is a very import thing for everyone as it’s one of the ways we stay healthy. There are many benefits to exercise like helping to control weight, improving your mood, fighting against poor health conditions, promoting better sleep, and it actually is a way to have fun too.

Avery: Hmmph. All I’m saying is those aren’t fun noises you make out there.

DSC_1398

Me: Well, it won’t always be a blissful time, but I always feel a lot better afterward. Plus, I need to exercise to be able to make sure I can keep up with you! Soon you’ll be using your legs to run around and I will have to keep a close watch on you. Maybe when you’re walking you can start doing squats like you see me do in the garage.

Avery: What?! Those things where you really make loud, painful noises? Pass….

DSC_1385

Me: Yes, squats and I have a love-hate relationship, but they are simply an awesome exercise. We’ll work on you with those. Really, exercise can be anything active. Just going outside and running around playing is exercise. Something I hope you, mommy, and me will all do together. Right now, when you are rolling around or in your jumper, that’s exercise too. You see, so exercise can be fun!

Avery: Interesting, I didn’t realize you and mommy screaming at me as I strain on the blanket just trying to get off of my back was exercise. Are you going to scream at me when I can run around too?

DSC_1394

Me: Most likely, we will at times, but not as much when trying to get you to roll. But hey, you can roll both ways now! We are so proud of you!

Avery: Yeah, I’m proud of myself! That was stressful!

DSC_1397

Me: So, how about that garage now? You can watch me and take notes for when it’s your turn to do squats!

Avery: Oh brother! Fine, lets go out there, but don’t forget my kitty beanie!

DSC_1407

Me: That-a-girl! Here we go! I know you’re going to have a blast watching now that you know more about the benefits of exercise!

Avery:  Zzzzzzzzz

DSC_0123

Me: And once you’re legs are parallel with the ground, you lift the barbell back up and repeat for reps. Think you’ll be ready to lift one day now that you have the basics down?

Avery: Zzzzzzz

explaining exercise to a baby, kettlebells, workout, fitness

Me: Hey sleepyhead! You’re back inside now. Did you know you just slept the whole time we were in the garage?

Avery: Yawwwwnnn! Yeah, sorry, must be that whole “improved sleep” from exercise thing. I tell ya, that rolling wears me out.

DSC_1409

Me: Yeah……..must be. Well, I know something that might be exciting. How about going for a nice run with you in your stroller?

Avery: That sounds kinda fun, sure! But keep me in my Zippy, I like chewing my nubs.

DSC_1382

Me: Deal. Let’s go.

Avery: Oh boy, this will be exciting!!!

DSC_1421

Me: *breathing heavy* Well, how was it? We went 6 miles and I didn’t hear you make a single sound!

Avery: Yeah, not as fun as I thought. I felt Every. Single. Bump.

DSC_1416

Me: Awww, sorry about that, the stupid construction around here leaves debris all over the road. Very uncool, huh?

Avery: Dad, you’re uncool, this is boring.

DSC_1419

Me: Okay then, lets go inside and just hang out.

Avery: I like that idea, no more exercise today!

DSC_1424

Me: Back inside, nice and cozy! About that whole no more exercise thing…..how about cheering mommy and me on as we do Tabata Inferno again?

Avery: Oh geez, what choice do I have? Okay, I’ll watch, but probably not cheer. Maybe cry though.

DSC_1408

Me: Fine, I’ll try to keep you entertained the best I can. I thought you like it when I do burpees though.

Avery: Nope, I just stare because you look dumb jumping around so much.

DSC_1389

Me: Oh, thanks a lot, I love you too! One day I’ll get you to join me on those along with the squats. Okay, lets go practice your rolling skills. Maybe later we’ll mow the lawn with our new Fiskars Reel Mower while I wear you in our Onya Outback!

Avery: You’re crazy! I want mom!

DSC_1406

<div class=”Sugar-Aunts-button” style=”width: 125px; margin: 

What Parents Really Want When They Put You on Your Stomach

DSC_0360

Hello my baby buddies! Avery here, and I want to let you in on my most recent discovery about parents.

You know that really annoying time when your parents lay you on your stomach and give words of encouragement? I used to lay there screaming at the top of my lungs while they just sat there with expectant smiles on their faces and taking pictures.

Not my proudest moment.
Not my proudest moment.

What they were expecting, I had no clue………….. until now!

So, get this, they put you on your stomach to….stick with me here…..have you roll on your back! Yeah, seriously! Ummm, hello, mom and dad, if you want me on my back, just put me on my back! It doesn’t take a diaper scientist to figure that one out!

Since parents like to be so difficult, I say we make them work for it before finally giving in and rolling on your back. You see, my parents have been putting me on my stomach calling it “Tummy Time” since I was 2 weeks old. Like I don’t have enough on my mind just trying to figure out why I’m not in a nice, warm sauna anymore! If you want to keep them at your mercy, you have to play your blocks right.

For the first few occurrences, give them nothing. Nope, just go limp and look as if you were staring into deep space.

DSC_3894 (Medium)

After a while, to give them a shimmer of hope, lift your head and turn it some, but make sure you cry a lot! Also, don’t lift your head too long, they’ll just make you lay there longer and take a lot of pictures.

I hate that camera!
I hate that camera!

As you get older, you’ll have to throw your parents a rattle and do a little something more. For me, I suggest kinda rocking on your side while lifting your butt and moving your legs as if you can’t get traction. Do this for a while making sure you are still bawling like a baby. Never mind the fact that you ARE a baby…..

At this point, you’re probably several months old (4 for me), and have been laid on your tummy over a dozen times. I started hitting mommy and daddy at this point, just acting as if I didn’t know what my arms were doing. Try it, you’ll feel better. But, now’s the time to give them what they want since they do feed you after all!

Like you were doing previously, you need to start turning on to one side, doesn’t matter which, and hang there for a few seconds.

DSC_0908

 It’s just fun to do for dramatic effect and to watch your silly parents’ faces beaming in anticipation.

DSC_0909

To really make them suffer, try going back on your stomach as if it just isn’t happing…

DSC_0907

Then, once you’re ready, using the arm and leg you aren’t laying on, push yourself enough to roll over on your back!

DSC_0910

Perfect execution!
Perfect execution!

Give a little look of surprise as if you didn’t know what just happened. This will help to keep you from blowing your ignorant baby cover.

DSC_0913

That’s it, this whole time they’ve been putting you on your stomach all just to get you on your back. I don’t know….

If you need it, here’s a quick how-to video on rolling over. Note the fake crying to make them think you don’t know anything.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQfCaurLCmE?rel=0]
Chances are, your parents are going to put you right back on your stomach just to watch you do this about 5 or 6 more times. Then, just be prepared for the same thing every day after that until the excitement wears off.

Sure, parents can be annoying and oblivious, but they do love us, so try and give them what they want like pooping, eating, and rolling on your back. Trust me, it’s worth it to see the look on their faces!