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Plan Your Conversation

Don’t go into a conversation that has as much weight and gravity as this unprepared and fumbling over your words. It’s going to be an emotional conversation and knowing what you want to say and communicate to your children is of the utmost importance. You should plan not only what you want to say but also when you want to say it. Consider having the conversation on a weekend or when you can spend some time with them directly afterwards. Don’t drop the bombshell on your way out the door to work This planning should be done together with your soon-to-be ex so that you’re both on the same page.

Get Everyone Together

It’s important that when you do have the conversation, you have it as a family. Everyone involved and who is going to be affected should be present and both parents should absolutely be there. It will help show your kids that you are going to be in this together and are committed to working together when it comes to their future. You want to make sure that when you first announce it that all your children are there, including stepchildren if you have them. The last thing you want is for your kids to find out from their siblings. Once the initial discussion has happened, you can engage with kids individually if they need it, particularly older kids who might have more questions.

Explain Why It’s Happening

Be clear about why you are getting divorced, but don’t overshare. This means you need to avoid blaming each other or calling out specific issues, but you do need to be honest and open with your children. This explanation should be general and non-specific, and you want to avoid any accusations of infidelity. A simple explanation that lets your kids know that you just can’t fix the relationship and that you are friends but are no longer in love will usually do just fine. Avoid complex adult themed problems – you are talking to kids who probably won’t understand them anyway. When it comes to the why, the truth isn’t as important as being there to support you children.

Be Able to Tell Them What Will Happen Next

Ideally, you want to be able to answer the questions that will undoubtedly be asked. Your kids are going to want to know what’s going to happen and which of you is going to be moving out and where they are going to live now. Knowing this will give them the answers to help cope with the conversation. Try and be able to tell them this along with how visitation and co-parenting is going to work.

Divorce is incredibly difficult on children because often they just don’t understand why it must happen. Do your best to reassure them and disrupt their lives as little as possible. Be there for them no matter how they react to the news, and if they shut down, don’t pressure them into talking.

divorce, family, kids, parenting

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It’s one of the most stressful experiences anybody can go through. Everything that’s inherent about your personality is ripped out of you, and put on display, and then used against you in a legal setting. But when you are going through the divorce process and you’ve got children, the most difficult thing to keep a lid on is the anger and negative emotions you feel so tempted to spit out. But for the sake of the children, it’s important that you set an example, and keep everything in check. What can we do?

Keep The Adult Conversations Between The Adults

It’s simple, but it’s seldom abided by. If your ex is denying you time with the children for a specific reason, the temptation right there and then in front of the kids could be to tell them exactly what your rights are. It’s important that we know what we are allowed to do in a legal context, and there are father’s rights help resources that can help with this. But when the conversation turns to things like money we need to keep the children out of it.

Stop Your Childish Sensibilities

Name-calling, being spiteful and criticizing your ex doesn’t turn your children against them, it turns them against you in the end. This is poisoning your children’s minds, and if you use whatever limited time you have with them to spout negativity about your ex, this is going to cause them so much stress. Doing this is making your children choose between one or the other, and if your ex is holding the fort and not resorting to name-calling, then you are the one that’s going to emerge as the loser. The same applies to money. We can’t buy our children’s love, and resorting to bribery tactics may help on the surface, but when you want your children to love you no matter what, money isn’t the way to get them to love you more. We underestimate children in this respect, and they are smarter than we ever give them credit for. Sure, buy your child something nice because you want to, but don’t use it as a reason for them to keep coming back.

Put Yourself In The Kids’ Shoes

They are going through a stressful time, and while you are struggling with a whole manner of emotional, not to mention financial, problems, you need to look at it from the perspective of your children. They are being forced to live in two different places, and this is such an upheaval, that you need to find ways to ease them into this inevitable scenario. Instead of uprooting them, as difficult as it may be, finding ways for you and your ex to spend time with the children as a family could help the kids feel better about the situation. This means that both you and your ex have to reach some common ground. This may be done through counseling, but whatever your approach, the children have to take priority. Amazingly, during divorce, this is something we can forget about. Keeping decorum during divorce is not easy, but it’s achievable, just as long as both sides are ready and willing.