Tag Archives: humor

A Parent vs Toddler Standoff

06/19/2015 R.C. Liley 6 Comments

So it’s come to this. We have stooped to the stubbornness level of our toddler and now have a standoff at least twice a day. It’s usually us asking her to pick something up, but she won’t budge and neither do we.

We both end up standing there waiting for the other to act, but nothing happens. Well, my wife or I will repeat ourselves more than any parenting book would recommend, and Avery will usually let out a series of whines and/or a cutesy “hi” with a cheesy grin.

Seeing as to how Kelley and I are both pretty stubborn already, and Avery is, well, a toddler which automatically equals stubborn, these standoffs can be quite time consuming. As a matter of fact, I was able to take pictures during one of our said standoffs and figured I’d go over how the event went down here.

The scene begins right after Avery dropped her almost finished green smoothie. Instead of picking it back up, she walked away to a corner in the kitchen despite my request to hand me the bottle.

I ask her to pick it up again but only get that “I’m innocent” look.

Going Mom and I have both been through this several times, so I knew it was going to be a while before one of us caved. I asked once more trying to keep a straight face as her turned all puppy-dog-eyes on me.

Meanwhile…..

Ummm, can't someone at least just stand me up? — Ummm, can’t someone at least just stand me up?

5 minutes have passed at this point, but it felt like 30. I just kept busy with food prep and dishes for the day while she stubbornly stood in her favorite corner. Just as I was about to give in because we had plenty more to do that day, she walks over to the bottle.

I freeze, try to be nonchalant and keep away from the camera, but all she does is stand it up on the floor and step away.

My relief that our standoff was over quickly turned into anguish as I realized she was going to continue dragging it on. Her smile said it all, “I won’t give in that easy, Dad!”

It was on, there was no way in hell I would give in now! All chores could wait. Kelley just might come home from work hours later to see us staring at each other with the bottle still standing on the floor. I would win this standoff, dammit!

Several minutes slowly passed as I looked around for something else to do while asking her to pick up the bottle a few more times. My angst about how long this would last kept growing deeper, but finally a glimmer of hope emerged; she bent down to get the bottle!

Was this the end of our impasse? Would the household chores and a workout actually get done? My anxiety eased up a little with each progressive move she made.

Yes, contact! Keep going…..

We have liftoff! I think even Avery felt relieved as she held the bottle high in celebration.

I was about to hold my hand out for her to give me the bottle, but I guess all of that time in between made her thirsty.

Ummm, Avery, can I have the bottle now? I’m pretty sure she was telling me to hold on a minute here.

Finally, after finishing what was left, she relinquished the bottle and most importantly, our standoff. But she didn’t want to act happy about it…

I took the bottle with a giant grin and praised her for doing good. I think that turned her mood into something better and she even gave herself a little round of applause.

How can you be upset with that face for more than a minute? Not easy, I’ll tell you that much.

Although, this is only one of many occurrences that have happened and will happen, I guess it’s just a part of parenting.

Do you find you and your kids in standoff situations often?

What are some of the ways you deal with these trying times?

Life, Parenting

Bathroom Puns and No More Bottles!

06/12/2015 R.C. Liley 8 Comments

Nothing like a few Friday bathroom puns to pass the time until you officially start the weekend, right? Obviously, I could do more than just bathroom puns, but then I’d never get crap done. Ba-Zinga!!!

Wow, we’re off to a great start already! I’ll be sure to keep things moving to avoid a clogged brain. Butt first, I want to share what makes me so happy to say “goodbye”. We are done with bottles!

As you can see, Avery was a little hesitant about putting them up, but I told her she has new sippy cups to use since she’s older. She asked to use a bottle just one more time, or maybe she was flipping me the bird…..

Whatever she was saying or telling me, the bottles are gone now and I’m happy to put them behind me. Her last use of the bottle is documented on yesterdays Milk Life #MilkDrive campaign post. Which, by the way, would be totally cool of you to help our Southern team of dads out and donate for the great cause. I mean, I am giving you bathroom puns here. 🙂

Yeah, please help families in need. Oh, and tell me where the bottles are hidden.

It seems like she should’ve been done with bottles already, but I think this is quite normal, especially for breastfed babies. Which, by the way, my awesome wife is still nursing like the rock star that she is! Now, about those diapers……

Ahhh, diapers, perfect segueway to bathroom puns; enjoy!

All of the toilets were stolen in the police station. Detectives have nothing to go on.
A man was having issues peeing and asked his doctor what it meant. “Urine trouble.” the doctor said.
Constipation is a pain in the ass.
My whole family has problems with diarrhea, it runs in our jeans.
Urinals are pretty tough, they take no crap!
You can never hear a pterodactyl urinate because its P is silent.
A house without a toilet? Seems uncanny.
Everyone had fun at the park, but after dropping my watch in the toilet, I had a crappy time.
The toilet was backed up from feeling crappy, but when I said it had beautiful porcelain skin , it was flushed.
Life as toilet paper has it’s ups and downs. You’re either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole.

True, some of these are corny, but I think a lot of us will agree that the cornier the better. Right? Anyone?

Well, I hope you don’t feel like this was a waste of your time. Enjoy your day and have a great weekend!

When did you get rid of the bottles for your kid or are you still using bottles?

Do you think it’s easier with or without the nippled containers?

Life

Stuck With Staph And I Need A Laugh

05/22/2015 R.C. Liley 4 Comments

Remember my staph butt issue from last week? Yeah, it’s getting better, butt (ha ha, never gets old!) it still hurts and has another 2 weeks of healing to go.

Or at least that’s how long I have to take antibiotics. What sucks, though, is that even after I’m done with the antibiotics, I still technically have staph. I guess it’s not all that uncommon, but I’m a registered carrier of the infectious bacteria. And, as confirmed by the doctor I saw last Tuesday, it’s Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA).

Not a big surprise as I’ve had it before when on vacation in Colorado back in 2011. I tried my damnedest to make the most of the trip and went out with Kelley to be as active as possible, but what I thought was just a painful nose pimple blew up into a massive MRSA infection that brought us to the local ER. Apparently if I waited longer it could’ve got into my brain and blah blah….it was bad.

Basically, I will always have the nasty and stubborn-to-treat version of staph inside me. I guess my nose is where it’s usually hanging out, so I better watch my ass and lay off the picking!

Speaking of ass, I can almost sit comfortably again, but still find myself shifting every 5 minutes. Luckily, I stand all day, I even use the island as my computer work area, so it’s only an issue at night. I’m thinking I won’t be doing any half-marathons on my indoor rower any time soon.

Hopefully this doesn’t mean Avery is a potential carrier, but we’ll keep on the lookout just to be safe.

If you read through this far, I’m sure you know more about the staph in my nose and butt than you’d ever care to, so how about a few puns to lighten things up? I could use a good laugh myself.

If you’ve been a reader for a while or just know me, you know I’m a fan of puns. Corny or not, I love’em, so here’s a few to enjoy or loathe as you see fit.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. He gets a lot of dirty looks and says,”Calm down, I’m not looking to start anything.”
I recently got a job at the office for national statistics, but I’m only there to make up the numbers.
I met a guy who lost all of his toes and he instantly annoyed me. Guess I’m lack-toes intolerant.
Did you hear about the kidnapping?!?!?! …. He was really tired.
Everyone tells me I’m a skeptic, but I don’t believe a word they say.
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my poker addiction. I think she’s bluffing.
I thought I could trust my acupuncturist, but then he stabbed me in the back.

Enjoy your Friday! I promise my next post will be better with a big focus on Avery.

Are you a carrier of staph?

Do you know if being a carrier means your kids are too?

How did you like the puns?