Only 2 4 (we watched 2 more after I wrote this!) episodes in to The Walking Dead and I’ve got zombies on the brain (ha ha) mostly all day. Even my wife has been asking zombie questions which is something I thought she’d never speak of, so I know she’s thinking about them too. As I’ve been pondering the wonder of zombies, I found that they bare a frightening semblance to our little tykes!
I bet you seasoned Walking Dead viewers are laughing at me thinking “You have no idea!”, but as a boy who grew up loving horror films, I’m not stranger to the living dead. That’s probably why it bothers me when I can’t answer Going Mom’s zombie questions, which isn’t often, mind you!
With 5 seasons concluded as of March 29 of this year, and a sixth season in the works, we have a lot of catching up to do, but I’m looking forward to spending the time watching something with my wife. Kelley has a lot to learn about the undead, and I figure she’ll quickly agree that these 10 zombie tendencies are all apparent in our practically 17 month old daughter, Avery.
- One is usually manageable, but they are powerful in numbers. Even alone, Avery is a handful at times, but usually not too overwhelming. Add a handful of kids in a group setting and chaos is sure to ensue. No matter the other parents around to deal with their own kids, they somehow manage to get to us adults most of the time.
What can we destroy next? - All they do is grunt or make undecipherable word-like sounds to communicate. It’s a constant guessing game trying to figure out what Avery wants most of the time. We ask if she wants milk, we get a blank stare or a whine/short grunt. “Are you hungry?” Eeeeemph! Ummm, okay, is that a yes? Geez, at least zombies go right for what they want! Also, the word “No” means nothing. Tell a toddler “No” and they do exactly what you told them not to do, and they’ll stare right at you while doing it. I’ve never been in a situation where I need to tell a zombie “No”, but something tells me they too will defy your demand, as they eat your face.
- They stink. It’s not fair to say our kids smell all the time like zombies do, but when they fill that diaper, you could swear something dead is close by. Luckily, a quick spray of her cloth diaper and fresh one put on its place, and Avery doesn’t smell so bad…..until poop #2 or #5 or more happens.
- They’re biters. Poor Going Mom knows this more than I do because of breastfeeding, but Avery has bit my fingers many times while feeding her. I hear this happens a lot with toddlers, and same goes for zombies!
- They drool….a lot. Usually because of teething (which might be the reason for #4), toddlers drool like a dog in a Milk-Bone factory. Although probably not from teething, zombies are constant droolers because they never seem to have their mouth fully shut.
- They suck at sharing. If you are holding something, could be anything, toddlers usually want it and will get upset if you don’t let them have it. In the same fashion, if one zombie is the brains from something they just caught, a whole hoard of zombies will come acting like it’s all for them. No manners, either one of them!
- The are messy eaters. Do I even need to explain this one? Guts and brains are instantly messy, and toddlers have the inept ability to turn even the cleanest of foods into a messy new paint design on your floor or walls.
- They NEVER sleep. What we call nap time is actually just Avery jumping around her crib and throwing everything around her out. Nighttime is the same, everything gets tossed out of her crib as she proceeds to talk to herself, or maybe the zombies that also aren’t going to sleep.
- They can’t sit still. No matter what they’re doing, our tots seem to constantly move. Sit down to watch a movie, even the best one for kids, and you might have them calm for 10 minutes, tops. At least this is our experience with Avery, and don’t get me started about when she’s in her highchair! I haven’t tried getting a zombie in a highchair or watching a movie with them, but they are always on the move, shuffling around the streets in search of flesh.
- They are clumsy and uncoordinated. Even with all of the moving practice they get, kids are always falling and never seem to walk straight. You’ll see this trait in any zombie movie/show, they are lumbering forward in a diagonal direction and fall over things easily.
There you have it, it’s freaky how similar our toddlers are to the living dead. Actually, maybe we need to check just to make sure we’re not housing a little zombie! Be careful out there!
What zombie traits do your little ones possess?
Anything you’d like to add to the list?
